*Daily detailed account is listed on
'Laura's Story'
that links from this page: documentation posts begin from recent.*

"SITUATION IN PROGRESS....."

On the suggestion of a very dear friend I have decided to launch a site specifically for the fact that right now at this point in my life there is a SITUATION IN PROGRESS. My friend and I were talking about abusers and I said that they should start their own club...... she said to me that maybe I should start MY own club......to show those out there who may be in a situation right now how to protect themselves. My friend was abused for years by her drunken husband. She walked the path, just like I did, and just as I did, after years of verbal abuse, lies, cheating, emotional manipulation and control, she put the trash out once and for all. She has a brand new life for herself and her kids. I created a brand new life for my daughter and myself also and until meeting an abusive piece of work herself my daughter was doing very well for herself.

Two years ago my 22 year old daughter was employed full time, owned her own vehicle, was financially responsible, had her own cell phone loads of friends, and lived a life that any 22 year old female would be happy to have. She had been in a steady relationship for five years, had been engaged, and for all the wrong reasons her fiancé asked her to marry him. She knew it was for all the wrong reasons (she was getting bored of the relationship and he knew it...he figured that marriage would be the answer to keeping her. WRONG.) My daughter ended the relationship however to this day remains very close friends with the fellow who to this day I like to call 'Son-in-law.'

One day while hanging with her friends at the lake on a beautiful warm sunny summer evening, into the park walked a stranger....a rough/tough looking bad-boy type. Dark piercing eyes, not much in the way of looks as far as I'm concerned but each to their own. Not a hair on his head; he wore a cap, always a black cap. Dark clothes. Tattoos. Nothing wrong with tattoos, my daughter sports a couple (I suggested if she did decide to get them do so in an area that can be covered....I was never going to discourage her from getting them because we know what that would have resulted in.)

ANYWAY.....this guy swept my daughter off her feet. He promised her the moon. He was 'all that' and more. He courted her, wined her, dined her, told her everything that she wanted to hear. It was a month or so until I met him, and that happened one afternoon when I pulled up after work. They were parked on the street waiting for me and she brought this guy over to the car, wearing his cap, she introduced him, he was as sweet as could be, we told each other 'nice to meet you' and as I drove away she waved and he gave me a big smile and it was that smile.....that smile and his eyes.....the pit of my stomach throbbed and I knew, I knew then at that very moment that this guy was NOT the guy for my daughter. I will never forget that smile and those eyes, nor the sick feeling in my gut.

This guy was bad news, plain and simple, and I can only imagine the crap he filled my daughter's ears with......one piece of garbage was how badly he wanted a child, and he wanted one with her, and he'd always wanted to be a Dad.....so you know what happened don't you.....yep, she got pregnant. Three months after meeting him. I was elated over the pregnancy, so excited and happy that I cried. If only that magic moment could have lasted forever in my daughter's life.

I will fast-forward through the pregnancy....this guy stayed home more than he went to work. The only thing that saved his butt was that he was in a Union. He is the guy who gives Unions a bad name. They had money issues almost immediately and when he was awarded a thirty thousand dollar pay-out from an accident from a few years before did he put any of it away for their expected child? Did he stash some for a rainy day, in case he got sick, lost his job, just a little nest egg of security.....did he do that? No, he brought fast food home for their meals, wasted dollar after dollar on vending machines, prize machines at the bowling alley, promised my daughter a car (hers eventually died on her) but she never saw it. Promised me a car but I told him I didn't want it, he had more important things to spend the money on. He did buy some things for the baby but a baby shower and the generosity of my parents brought home the majority of the necessities. Long story short, the thirty grand was gone in just under three months and when the baby came they didn't have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of. Well, they had the window...but that's about all they had. They were hungry, there was never any food. Thank goodness he did buy what he did for the baby, because even after the baby was born he missed more work than he attended. My daughter was stressed to no end throughout most of her pregnancy, she said the child was going to hate her for bringing him into this mess, she sometimes wished she'd never got pregnant and more often than not wished she'd never laid eyes on 'Mr. Wonderful.'

Shortly after giving birth my daughter's Unemployment benefits began....thank God....because without them her and the baby would have starved. My daughter supported the baby and herself entirely with her U.I. for the first year of my grandson's life. I asked her a few times, 'what are you going to do when the U.I. runs out?' and she always answered that she didn't know. I'll tell you what she did....she literally begged for money most weeks, for food for the baby and herself. I cannot count the number of times that she did not have food and that s.o.b. would waltz in here after being gone all morning and afternoon, with a big bag of McDonalds for himself. Nothing for my daughter. He's sit right there in front of her and eat and not offer her any. Occasionally he brought something home for her, but only occasionally.

Irresponsible is an understatement with this guy. My daughter ended up having to have a C-section...so with her stomach cut open and not healing (medical malpractice) and dragging a portable IV around with her at home, having the nurses in twice a day to change the dressing, and having an infant to care for, how much help did she get from the father of this child? NONE. Not one word of a lie, none. He never once got up in the night with the child, he never got up in the morning with the child so my daughter could rest, he to date has changed one diaper and to date will not even go into the same room where his own son is having his diaper changed. The one diaper that he did change was done in the living room, in the playpen.

It was my daughter who shopped for groceries every week after begging for the money, taking the baby with her because this loser absolutely refused to sit with his own son. So there she was, sliced open and not healing properly, exhausted, lugging an infant around the grocery store or Wal-Mart, doing it all on her own while this bastard was either at home sleeping the day away or up and gone at the crack of dawn, for hours and hours on end. When asked where he was going or where he'd been all day he flew into a rage. When told she needed money he flew into a rage, saying he didn't want to discuss it, he was stressed. How many times did she come to me asking to borrow my credit card so that she could buy food for her and the baby.

The relationship progressively got worse; a situation that never should have happened. As soon as things started to go well--and this was only when he had money to burn---things would crap out just as fast. Once the money was gone he was impossible to talk to, to live with. My daughter mentioned on more than one occasion that death would be better than living with him and I remembered thinking the same thing when I was with my ex-husband (not her father....I was stupid enough to do it twice.)

I am not afraid to say that I am her Saviour, I kept her together and had it not been for me my daughter and grandson would have went hungry on more than one occasion and I'm more than positive had I not been in the picture so much when the loser was here, physical harm would have been done to both her and my grandson.

I cannot count the number of times this jerk got angry with my grandson for crying; the first time I heard "stop your crying!' my grandson was only 5 or so months old. The next time I heard it I said "babies cry" and I heard it once again after that.

Oh yes, on the occasions that my daughter had to beg for money for food, she'd ask him when they were alone and that's when he'd fly into a rage. I told her to ask him in front of me and she would get her money....so she did....and she did. He wasn't going to refuse her in front of me.

When I came in from work at night this loser wouldn't even look at me, refused to acknowledge my presence, just sat staring at the television like a two-bit lump. When he comes in the door to visit his son now, he doesn't acknowledge me and I return the favour.

Getting ahead of myself here......my daughter and grandson live with me. When my grandson was just over 16 months old this creep walked out on them, literally abandoning them. The locks were being changed the night he returned after not being heard from in over 24 hours. He said he had no intention of coming back, he was coming to get his things. My daughter told him no way, he could come back another time, we were heading east for a four day get-away that we needed desperately.

Now, let me get as up to date as quickly as possible. You now have a brief run-down of what my daughter brought home and bred with. Sorry, can't help the sarcasm. I love my grandson to the ends of the earth and I wouldn't trade him for the world. He is the highlight of our lives, it's just too bad that the bottom line is HE will be the one to suffer as a result of his father's irresponsibility, ignorance, and selfishness.

After walking out on my daughter and his own son, the only thing this guy has been responsible about is paying his weekly child support. Other than that, he's not treated my daughter any better, not shown much interest in his son. Yeh, for the first few weeks he was here 2-3 times a week but that is because he had nowhere else to go. He couldn't stand it at his father's place so he'd park himself here after work. He and I never saw eye to eye because I've always been able to see right through him, he despised me for that, he always has. His visits are  a huge inconvenience but he has rights to his son so we have to tolerate him.

HOWEVER...moving right along I will bring you to the present SITUATION IN PROGRESS. Bad boy found out that my daughter has a new 'friend.' Shortly afterward he asked my daughter to work things out with him---actually that was on the 29th of January; she said no. That is when things began to get completely out of control, the harassment started, the phone calls and text messages, the threats of bodily harm to her friend. My daughter kept every text message and I copied each and every one of them, printed them out and my daughter submitted them to her lawyer at the time of applying for sole custody of her son. Until she has sole custody, according to Canadian Law, the father has rights to the child and he can take him whenever he wants and if he wants to leave the country with him he can do so, he's broken no law, he's the child's father.

Upon presenting her lawyer with quite a big paper trail, my daughter has been advised the following: 'Do not have him in your home unless your mother is present, do not go to his home, do not take the child to his home & leave him, if your mother cannot be home then take the child to his grandfather's and his father can visit him there.'

Not only is there harassment and threats, there is the stalking. Bad boy has been waiting for my daughter in the parking lot when she goes out; he's waiting in the parking lot when she comes in, he drives by at all hours of the morning checking the parking lot for the car (he told her this) meanwhile it's MY vehicle but he is not giving thought that it may be me out, he sees the car is gone so he figures my daughter is out.

I have been in touch with a police Sergeant friend of mine who has advised my daughter that it's time to get a Peace Bond against this guy, in doing so he will not be able to contact me, my daughter, or his own son. Visitation will be specified by a judge, where and when, and the order must be followed, the Peace Bond must be followed, or Bad Boy will be thrown in jail. My daughter returns to her lawyer tomorrow with more paper trail which should move the custody order along even faster, as well as enforce the Peace Bond.

MY DAUGHTER WROTE THE FOLLOWING FOR HER LAWYER AND FOR HER OWN RECORDS:

(I have omitted names and where my grandson's name is mentioned I've changed her referral of her son to 'the baby.')

January 31, 2007. 

Last night he text messaged me, wanting to know if I wanted to get back together. We have been up in the air since October 5, 2006. I said no. He then messaged back that we were completely done and we would make arrangements for me to drop baby off at his house from now on instead of us having family visits anymore.  

I then called him today after another text message sent to me saying that we needed to talk again. During this call, he is sounding very threatening. That basically if I don’t do as he says I will surely regret it. Over the phone I’m told that if I do not come to his house after the baby goes to bed tomorrow night, things are going to get nasty and he is going to get a lawyer. He claims he doesn’t trust me and thinks I will try to take the baby away from him. He also mentioned the child support payments to me, but wouldn’t state what changes he plans to make with them. 

Since we have separated, I have never denied him access to the baby. He has been welcome to come and visit the baby in my home, and I have also brought the baby to his home. He sees the baby roughly 5 days a week, even if some visits are short. I have suggested to him many times to purchase a car seat for the baby for his own vehicle and it has never been done. I have also suggested repeatedly that he purchase a booster seat for his home so the baby can have somewhere other than standing at the coffee table to eat his dinner. 

On January 29, 2007 I was supposed to bring the baby over to him for his visit. After the baby had taken his nap we planned to head over. During his nap, it began snowing quite hard. He had also had errands to run and said he would call when he got home. I reminded him that I had to pick my mom up from work at 7:30 PM. He got home around 5:30 PM from his errands. I said it may be easier for him to come to my house to see the baby, instead of me having to drive in the bad weather, more than I had to. Since I wasn’t bringing the baby to him, he decided the visit wasn’t that important and stayed home that day not seeing the baby at all.

_______________________________ 

Feb 7, 2007 

After his constant harassment this week, my mother advised me to take a night to have a relaxing movie night with my friends, and that she would gladly get up with the baby in the morning. Since the baby was born I have woken up with him every morning accept for maybe 3 mornings. Earlier in the evening I went to a donut shop to chat with friends and later on went to a friends house to watch movies. 

Earlier in the evening while sitting in the donut shop, I see him drive by. This has become a nightly routine, he is checking up on me. My friends and I decide to leave shortly after. I then went to a friends house to watch one movie and come home. When the movie was over just as I stood up to leave, my phone began to ring. Seeing by my caller ID it was him, I also knew it was him, as he would be the only person to call me that late. Saving myself yet another incident of having to explain myself to him, I ignored the phone call. I then receive a text message asking “where are you?”. I also ignore the text message. It was obvious that he had driven by my house to see that I was not there, or he was waiting for me outside my house, which wouldn’t be a first. A good friend of mine decided to follow me home incase he was waiting there to cause problems. My friend told me to wait up the street and that he would drive behind my building to see if he was there. Not to my surprise I got a call on my cell phone saying yes he’s there, he’s parked a couple spots down from where I park. I reluctantly went to my home and parked the car. Before I had even finished parking he was standing at my window. I opened the car door to get out and he told me to get back in and to let him in because he was cold from sitting there waiting for me for 3 hours and that he wanted to talk to me. I said no, knowing that once he got in my car he wouldn’t get out. He asked where I had been, why I was coming home late, and said he was worried and that he had been sitting outside my house for 3 hours waiting for me to come home. I asked him why he would sit there for 3 hours and not just call my phone if he was so worried. I didn’t get a clear answer about that. He admitted that he drove by the donut hope earlier that night, and then some time after he drove by again and since I wasn’t there he got worried and came to my house to wait until I got home.  

I explained on February 3, 2007 that I did not want to get back together with him and since then he seems to be getting worse with interfering with my life. That night also he was sitting outside waiting for me to leave my home. On Feb 7, 2007, after countless times I telling him I don’t want to get back together over the past few days, I receive a text message asking for me to go the dinner with him on Saturday night. After everything that has gone on, he still won’t accept that we’re not getting back together. I do honestly fear for my safety.

He was here last night and as fast as his mouth went so did my fingers....he had NO idea that I was typing out every word (well, almost, 90% anyway) he was saying. Taken from my own files:

Feb. 5/07: 7 P.M.: In the following I am typing Bad boy’s words as fast as I can: 

He’s asking her if she’s going for coffee tonight; she says she doesn’t know, she asks why, he says he was just wondering. She saw lawyer today; lawyer told her not to have him here to see the baby when I’m not home; either I’m home or take the baby to Bad boy's dad's and he sees him there; don’t have the baby alone with him in his apartment; he’s a ‘ borderline supervised case.’ It’s none of his business what Laura does, who she’s with, where she goes; lawyer said. 

Now he’s offering to gather up all the stuff she doesn’t need and take away for her somewhere but I can’t hear where he said. 

He’s hounding her now about something, she’s telling him she does NOT want to get into another discussion. He’s going to blow, we’re both just waiting for it. 

She’s telling him AGAIN in a raised voice that she doesn’t want to get into it, whatever “it” is, and he won’t let up. 

7:51 p.m. Still typing as he’s talking: 

He’s hounding her again, saying he hasn’t done anything, it’s all been done to him. T (Laura's new friend), someone approaching his boss at work about him, he wants to know if she wants to go for coffee, he says he’s uncomfortable, his heart is going a mile a minute, he’s all pissed because she doesn’t want to text him. He doesn’t see that he’s hounded and harassed her to no end; it’s never him, he’s twisting it all around to bring it back to her. He says this is hard on him; he wants her to be honest & talk to him, she says she feels like she constantly has to answer to him and he’s denying it’s that way, just be honest with him, he needs to know these things. He says “I haven’t done anything wrong Laura, anything that’s happened is because of other people.” Those are his EXACT words. 7:54 p.m. All the situations that have happened over the past few days it wasn’t him who did it; he just said that. He wants to know what’s going on, why is a complete stranger doing these things to him. (He’s not even remembering how he’s been harassing her, that he starts harassing her and won’t let it go. He wants to know why everyone is treating him like a piece of crap. He keeps talking: The only thing he is concerned about is talking to her and when he does she just sits there; he’s trying his hardest here, for the past 3 weeks, for a month, but all he keeps getting at is yelled at and put in situations and his work talking about his personal life; he says he doesn’t take it out on her; she says he accused her friends and he said he thought that’s who it was; she’s taking everything out on him. He says he’s going to be around all the time now, he’s going to be here all the time, for the baby, and when he does come here to see him it’s so uncomfortable; he’s done nothing to deserve any of this, he’s not an abuser or been smacking her around. These are his words. He wants to work on things and try to “figure it out” and ever since she hates him, talks to him horrible, he’s trying to be nice. Now he wants to know what she wants him to do, he’s never done anything wrong enough to deserve this, she’s not honest with him, he’s already been through this with her twice. He’s saying things about her being out all night and she says ‘how do you know I have the car out??? Tell me, how do you know?’ and he’s blubbering. So, he’s been spying, watching the parking lot. She says she doesn’t always have the car out, she doesn’t have the gas to put in it. (Yes, it is MY car, I may be out in it, but he’s assuming every time it’s gone that it’s her out. Okay I asked her tonight (Feb 8 as I’m spell checking here and he told her he goes by at one and two a.m. and the car is gone. Bond Street and/or this area is not on his way home, so he’s going out of his way to check on her. I have had the car out late and just because it’s out, as I say, he assumes it’s Laura.) 

He continues talking: He’s never done anything that bad to her to deserve this; he just said that. She said “I’m not going over this with you again” and he’s put his coat on, hugging the baby. Oh yeh, he goes down to the bathroom and there’s no way in hell he can pee that fast, he goes in & out; I’m assuming he’s checking to see if the toilet seat is up. He just left. Okay it’s five minutes after he pulled away and went down the street and he just drove by here, I am assuming, to see if she’s left or not.

These are from my files:

10:00 p.m. My daughter just called to tell me that one of her friends talked to him and he told him that if she continues to see her friend this is going to get a lot worse and he is going to break her friends legs. I’ve e-mailed my police Sergeant friend for advice.

Feb 6: This morning he called my daughter and told her "some guy named Pete called his work and told them that he beat the sh*t out of her." That is exactly what he said. I knew right away that it was bullsh*t, that there's no way that Pete would say that, he had no grounds to say it. Regardless, I called my friend at work to let her know what was said; she said right away 'that is bullsh*t, there's no way Pete--her husband---would say that' and I told her that I knew that, just wanted her to know what was being said. 

When my friend got home she called and Pete spoke to me to tell me that he did NOT say that, he only said "I do not want to cause any trouble for him but he is saying that our company pay for lawyers for personal matters and I want him to know that someone who works here knows what he's saying and that he's full of sh*t." I didn't hear "beat the sh*t out of my daughter" in there...did you? 

SO..here's the kicker....Bad boy gave my daughter the name & number of one of his bosses and told her to call this guy to verify that Pete did say this. My daughter called him......the guy said "No, Pete did NOT say that" and he also said that the workplace is not impressed with Bad boy and this soap opera thing.  

My daughter called him to tell him and told him to stop it NOW because she was not spending another entire day dealing with his crap. He apologized and said he wouldn’t bother her anymore. 

9:28 P.M. My daughter just messaged me to tell me that he messaged her to ask her out for dinner Saturday night; she told him NO.

This is a SITUATION IN PROGRESS and I will keep viewers updated on what goes on so that anyone in a situation such as this or similar may find the information here helpful in aiding them with keeping a paper trail, records, documenting events, dates, times, text messages, phone calls. No matter how trivial or impertinent you may think it is, write it down. I cannot stress enough what a valuable tool documentation is in these types of situations.

©Wisdom for Women 2007

Written to help victims of domestic violence, with thanks to my friend Joan G.who has offered her home as a Safe House for my daughter should she need a place to run to/hide when I am not home.

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